


I'll Have to Leave Soon

by samajama



Series: In Darkness and in Light [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Infidelity, M/M, lots of hope for the future, read the notes before you read for the love of god, tiny bit of smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-28
Updated: 2014-03-28
Packaged: 2018-01-14 06:57:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1257100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/samajama/pseuds/samajama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis and Harry meet up alone for the first time since their break up and one thing leads to another.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Have to Leave Soon

**Author's Note:**

> Unlike the first part, this will be written in a more traditional fic style. Once again, serious warnings for infidelity.  
> (Louis and Harry are cheating on Eleanor and Nick, respectively, with each other.) If this isn't your sort of thing, move right along. Eleanor makes a brief appearance, but Nick is still yet to be seen. Rating is for a Louis/Harry scene, I promise.
> 
> And since I ALWAYS FORGET to thank my beta (bc I'm a piece of shit) MAJOR MAJOR SUPER THANK YOU to [Kara](http://comfyyenoughbroo.tumblr.com) for telling me to write even when I lamented on (and on and on) about how no one likes infidelity as a trope and every hates gryles and elounor even more. 
> 
> tbh though this fic is mainly for me now. i started this series a while ago just to see where i could take, how i could strength my writing skills by writing some stuff i wasn't fully comfortable with. i'm glad with how it came out and if you choose to read this, i hope you like it!
> 
> Don't share this with 1D or anyone even remotely associated with them. I am not associated with them or any of their affiliates. Keep the fourth wall intact and don't post this as your own.

Louis wakes up smiling into a head of warm brown curls. "Morning," he mumbles, pressing a kiss to the curls and breathing in deeply.

Louis jerks back a bit and his eyes fly open. "Shit. Oh shit. Fuck." Thankfully, Eleanor hasn't moved, so Louis quickly slips out of bed and runs to the bathroom.

He splashes cold water on his face and turns on the cold water in the shower. " _Fuck_." He'd had a dream of Harry again. The same one, actually, except that it ended peacefully with them curled into one another this time. Quite like how Louis had just woken up with Eleanor. Thinking she was Harry. Shit.

Louis steps into the icy shower, hissing as the water pelts his heated skin. He purposefully ignores his throbbing erection and squirts some shampoo into his hands.

Stepping under the spray, he threads his fingers through his hair and closes his eyes. For a second, he begins to remember what it felt like to have Harry's fingers running through his hair as they shared a shower and immediately his eyes snap back open.

Louis needs to make sure Eleanor is otherwise occupied today because he really needs to see Harry and he'd rather do it here, at his own flat, than publicly somewhere. It's usually hard enough to go out in public these days, and this conversation is definitely not one for the public eye.

Maybe he'll suggest she visit some of her uni friends; she hasn't seen them in a while. Or maybe he could even propose a visit to her family. That would buy Louis a couple of days, at least. And knowing himself and Harry, this would take a while to sort things out between them.

Louis continues to wash while willing his "little problem" to go away. Because, really? Now isn't the time. And, of course, because the entire world is conspiring against him, Eleanor chooses this moment to enter the bathroom. He swallows briefly and waits for her to address him. 

Louis watches her shadow as Eleanor brushes her teeth in the sink and wipes her mouth on the hand towel nearby. She steps over toward the shower and peeks her head behind the curtain. "Good morning," she smiles. "Mind if I join you?"

Louis doesn't even turn around to face her. He simply mumbles, "Not today, El. I'm feeling a little under the weather this morning."

"I could make you feel better?"

"No," he snaps. "No. I said, 'No.' I don't feel well. And," he coughs, "maybe you shouldn't be around me for a few days. Go visit the fam or something. Don't want you getting sick as well."

"Lou..."

"Just go. _Please._ "

Eleanor yanks the curtain back. "Fine. I'll be gone by the time you get out."

"Eleanor..."

She slams the door. Louis sighs and rinses his hair. _Today is going to be a long day._

* * * * *

After Louis finishes drying his hair, he grabs his phone and sends Harry a text:

> Can you talk?

Instead of a response, his phones starts ringing with Harry's name flashing across the screen.

"Hello?" _Hey._ "Um, so about today." _What did you have in mind?_ "I was thinking maybe you could come here." _To the flat?_

The flat. Not _your_ flat. The flat where he and Harry had lived since the band got together. The flat where they shared so many memories. The flat that they made a home for themselves in. Until it got to be too much. Until Louis got scared when Harry started tossing the words 'love' and 'forever' around as if it was going to be easy. Until it had stopped being _the_ flat, stopped being _their_ flat and Harry moved out.

 _Louis?_ "Yeah, sorry. Caught up in my thoughts there. Yeah, um, would you mind coming here? It's probably easiest." _Sure, around lunchtime?_ "Yeah that's fine. Just gimme a ring when you get here so I can let you up, okay? I'll-" _I've still got a key, Lou. I can just...let myself in. If that's okay with you?_ "Oh. I didn't realize that you- Yeah, that's. That's fine. I'll see you in a couple of hours then. Drive safe."

Louis hangs up and tosses his phone onto the bed. He walks to the kitchen and turns the kettle on, and as he waits for the water to boil, he wanders into one of the spare bedrooms.

He reaches up, pulling the extra bedding down and settles it on the floor. On his tip-toes, he feels for the box he stuffed back there and slides it off the shelf. Louis returns to the kitchen and places the box on the table, tending to the now-boiled water.

He pours himself a cuppa and stares at the box before him. He should wait, probably. Actually, he shouldn't open it at all, but. But. Harry's coming and that's opening this can of worms anyway, so he might as well literally _open_ this box of memories.

He sips his tea, bitter to match his mood, and sighs. He peels the lid of the box off and chokes in a small sob. Maybe he should wait for Harry; they're partly his memories, after all. But, no, Louis needs to do this alone. He wants to see if he's still affected by the memory of him and Harry. If any of this is worth it.

Of course, judging by his inability to even _look_ at these possessions, he's clearly not let go of his feelings for Harry. He puts his head in his hands for a moment thinking of how unbelievably stupid he's been. He hadn't been ready to live without Harry three months ago and he's still not ready now.

Louis doubts he'll ever really be able to live properly without Harry. Sure, he'd be able to get by, make a life for himself, but he'd never be living up to his full potential, always noting on the things he's missing out on instead of enjoying what he has. Because he'll always be missing out if he's not with Harry. Fuck, Louis is so screwed.

He finally pulls the first item out of the box; it's the first photo Louis ever took of Harry at the X Factor. God, he'd been drawn to him even then. _I can't believe how badly I've fucked up._ Except he can. He can completely believe it. Only Louis Tomlinson could fuck up with the most perfect boy on the planet. In the entire universe. Of all fucking time, probably.

Jesus Christ, he needs to get a grip. Harry will be here soon and Louis needs to figure out what the fuck they're going to eat for lunch.

He hears the front door open and shut and Harry calls out, "Lou?"

"In the kitchen, H." Louis should have anticipated Harry's early arrival because that boy is punctual to a fault, but Louis's always been blind to any of Harry's misgivings. And this is barely a bad habit anyway. Although, Louis glances to the clock on the wall, Harry is probably _at least_ an hour early and that's a bit much, even for him.

He pauses in the doorway with his hands stilled on the buttons to his coat, as if he's not sure how welcome he is. "Why didn't you leave you coat in the hall? 'Ts not as if you don't know where everything goes."

"Sorry," he mumbles and retreats back down the hall. He returns a moment later, sans coat and shoes and says, "Hi."

"Hi. How've you been?"

"Can't complain, I guess."

Louis sighs in...relief? Maybe. "So you're good?" This heartache thing might be the worst pain Louis has ever experienced, but the only thing that could possibly console him is that Harry is okay.

"No... Thought that was obvious. Just, I can't _really_ complain, can I? I mean, objectively my life is still great. Just, well. I mean, you know."

"I'm not asking for a press release, I'm asking _how you are_. Surely if you can complain to anyone, it's me," Louis snaps. He immediately regrets his harsh tone and adds, "Sorry. You don't need me yelling at you."

"It's fine, I mean, you're right. So, yeah, I'm kind of shit actually," Harry begins. "I mean, I have this great job and great family and someone who loves me, but. But that's still not enough for me, I guess, which sounds so fucking selfish, so I kind of hate myself for it, but there it is." He grunts in frustration. "I have it all and I want more."

Louis just laughs. Nothing's funny, but here he is. Laughing. "If you're selfish, what am I?" He stands and dumps his tea in the sink and gestures for Harry to follow him to the living room.

They sit on one of the large, plush couches and Louis just shakes his head before Harry can respond. "If _you're_ selfish, what am I?" he repeats. "I have the same great job. Great family, friends, girlfriend. _And_ I tossed you aside like you meant nothing to me. I ruined our relationship, the band's relationship. I ruined everything for myself. Which is stupid because I still have a great life and I hate it. What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Harry scooches closer to Louis on the couch and wraps an arm around his shoulders. "Hey now," he says cupping Louis's cheek and pulling his face to his chest. "You didn't ruin anything, Lou, no."

"Yes, I did," Louis chokes into Harry's chest, tears beginning to fall down his cheeks. "I ruined everything and I hate myself for it. You should hate me too, why don't you hate me? You should hate me, Harry, I deserve it."

"Lou, I could never hate you, I don't think."

"But you should," he mumbles into Harry's collar bones.

Harry presses light kisses to Louis's hair, whispering, "It's okay, love you, always love you."

"Don't say that; that's not fair."

Harry pulls away so he can face Louis full-on. "Not fair? It wasn't fair that you broke both our hearts, but you did. Don't- I know why you did it and I _do_ understand. I mean, like, objectively? Yeah, I get it. I just don't know how you could _actually_ do it."

"I don't know. I, I don't-" Louis don't think and he reaches out and pulls Harry's lips to meet his own. Harry's body reacts automatically, leaning into the kiss, tugging Louis closer by his waist.

Harry lies back on the couch, pulling Louis with him. Louis straddles Harry's thighs and rolls his hips against Harry's, brushing their still-soft cocks together. Harry grips Louis's arse tightly and pulls them closer together while Louis cups Harry's jaw.

They kiss frantically and Louis continues rubbing himself against Harry, feeling them grow harder against one another.

Unwilling to let them come in their pants like teenagers - Louis is pointedly ignoring the fact that Harry is _twenty_ now - he dexterously unbuttons Harry's jeans with one hand and hitches his leg up with the other.

Giving himself just enough room for his hand, he cups Harry through his briefs, running his thumb over the head. He can feel the wetness through Harry's pants and longs to get his mouth on him, but he knows neither of them are going to last long enough for that.

"Wanna touch you, too," Harry pants against Louis's lips, the first words either of them have spoken since Louis kissed him. Fuck, that was so stupid. This is so unfair.

 _But none of this has ever really been fair_ , Louis supposes, and decides to enjoy this while he can.

Harry doesn't wait for a response and opens Louis's jeans, tugging them down his thighs just enough to get a hand on him. They tug each other only momentarily before they spill over one another's fists, onto the clothes they never discarded.

"Fuck." Louis comes down and rests his forehead against Harry's.

"Yeah," Harry agrees.

"We should probably..." Louis trails off.

"Yeah," Harry repeats, nudging Louis off of him.

Louis tucks himself back in his pants and presses a kiss to Harry's forehead. "I'm gonna go grab us some fresh clothes, 'kay?"

"Yeah, thanks."

Louis changes into a pair of trackies and a t-shirt and brings the same for Harry. When he returns to the living room, he sees Harry's moved back to the kitchen.

He pauses in the doorway, seeing Harry hunched over the box he'd opened earlier. Upon watching a moment, he notices Harry's shoulders are heaving slightly and Louis loses all resolve.

He steps into the room, drapes himself around Harry, and presses kisses to the side of his head. "Don't cry, please; I can't bear that right now."

"Sorry, sorry," Harry sniffles. "I just wanted a tea and I saw the box and...yeah."

"Here, let me just-" Louis closes the box and sticks it in a spare cupboard for now. He sits next to Harry and says, "Listen, I think-"

"Don't."

"Don't what? Harry, we need to-"

"Maybe we shouldn't've done that, but you're not going to get me to apologize for that."

Louis frowns. "I wasn't trying to. I wasn't- H, we need to _talk_ ; that's what I was gonna say."

Now Harry frowns. Harry had always been best at knowing what Louis had to say, even better than Louis himself sometimes. This is uncharted territory for them. They've always had an unspoken connection, but this feels like Louis has severed that as well.

"Oh. Yeah, sure. Let's talk."

"We probably shouldn't have... And I definitely shouldn't have kissed you, _but_ I don't regret it. I have never regretted a second of being with you. Like, obviously what we did is, y'know _morally_ wrong or whatever, but between me and you - all other circumstances aside - I don't regret any of it for a second."

Harry takes a slow breath and reaches for Louis's hand, slightly unsure of himself. Louis turns him palm up, welcoming it. "I don't either."

"Good. God, I'm so- Good, that's really good."

"What do we do, Lou?"

Louis sighs. "Do you- Well, do you wanna try. Can we try being together again? Do you think that's something we can realistically do?"

"Not easily, but, yeah, I think we can. I don't wanna- I need to tell Nick, though. And you, with...her. We need to actually do this, if we're gonna do this."

"Yeah, I- definitely. I reckon we could start with the boys and see what they have to say. This does affect them, too, after all."

Harry nods. "Yeah. What time did they call you for rehearsal today?"

"Half past three. You?"

"After dinner. Do you wanna go together at three-thirty?"

"Yeah, Harry; I think that's a good idea. Do you wanna look through that box together until we have to leave? It felt weird looking at that stuff without you."

"I'd like that very much."

**Author's Note:**

> don't send me hate for this thanks
> 
> There will be one more part with a happy ending, I promise. I've got a bunch of other projects in the works so I have NO IDEA when I'm going to actually write let alone post that third part. However, it will definitely be the LAST part. This whole series was meant to be an experiment for myself with writing styles (the first part), angst (the whole thing hello), and tropes I'm not usually comfortable writing or reading (infidelity, LH breakup). So! Even if everyone who reads this leaves with a sort of "meh" feeling, I'm glad to share it with you since this was initially just meant as a thing for me.
> 
> Oh and if you're worried I'm gonna sneak in some Gryles or Elounor smutty (or schmoopy) scene: don't. This is purely Louis and Harry finding their way back to one another. They were seeking comfort (futilely) with El/Nick, but both of those relationships are basically shit. (Sorry for the obnoxious meta but.....) If you look back to part 1, Louis is bordering on depressed (tired, unhappy with his daily activities) and Harry openly admits he isn't in love with his boyfriend. Basically, they're not happy. Harry's trying to fill the Louis-shaped hole in his heart with a Nick-shaped peg, and Louis is doing the same with Eleanor. Neither of them like the idea of cheating, but they also never stopped loving each other. Although they technically split, their feelings for each other didn't dissipate, they didn't even project them onto their new partners. Basically nothing changed except they were now pretending to be happy with their new circumstances. SO! (meta rambling coming to an end now promise) They hate the idea of cheating on their partners, even though they never felt committed to them anyway, but Louis and Harry have never been able to be Just Friends so it happens. They don't plan on making a habit of it, though.
> 
> ETA: I will **NOT** be completing this series. The last part will not be written. I apologize if anyone was waiting for it. As I explained above (and in the notes for the series itself), I just can't bring myself to finish it. Honestly, I may even "abandon" this fic at some point.


End file.
